The following letter is the last words written by one of my close friend. He got introduced to me in the second year of my diploma (1999). A very interesting chap. But he faced lots of problems and he will share everything to me. Few months back he sent me a mail with the following contents and some more. I was just afraid after reading that …but he deserves it and nothing we can help. And now he is sick and counting his days and he just wanted to express some of his thoughts to others.
With his permission , here is the part of the mail he sent to me ….! Wish him all the peace for his rest of the days in his life …!
Am I loosing my way to destiny ? Who am I ? What I am going to be ? AM I in the right path/Direction ?
Am I lost anywhere ? Am I loosing my identity ? Do I have individuality ? Am I a normal person ? Am I acting smart ? Am I a looser ? Am I missed out somewhere? I am in search of ?
F…..g introspection kills me. I feel like I am nowhere in this world. I lost my interest in living. But still I am alive. I don’t want to kill myself…but I don’t want to live. I never felt like this in my lifetime. But why now ? IS that any tragedy happened to me ? I have the answers ? But who is going to ask the questions ? I have thousand things to say Why I am like this …but still I do not have a single reason to say why I should be like this.
Feels like a lonely bitch in this universe. I don’t want to see human beings in front of me. Or I want others do not see me. Hope the second one would be better. My life is full of complications now ! and its me who made it complicated.
I am afraid of sleeping every night. I hate waking up every morning. It pains when I woke up every morning. My mind feels the pain. My brain feels the pain.
Simple the thought comes …that I should not awake the next morning. I have no responsibilities right now. I am not committed to any one. I have no curses..I have only wishes…but still I complicated my life. I wish I should be muted one day. Wish the days should be soon.
I lost my confidence in my career…I am loosing my interest in relationships … I am afraid of emotions. I want to go my way home …without disturbing any one. But without hurting any one I can’t go my way home. Few will be hurt for whatever may be my decisions. I don’t know what to do. I am nowhere to take my own decisions. But I don’t have any one to help me taking decisions. I made like that. I can’t go and tell anyone about my problem. Everything is hidden.
If i reveal my issues , it will ruin some others lives. But nothing is ugly or bad with my issues. But still it won’t be acceptable by others.
I am just counting the times of smiling in a day. Just counting the moments I am really happy. I am just counting the minutes that I was not thinking about my issues. I want to break my head and wish to throw of all my problems and issues and I wish to reborn to live this life fully. I don’t want to be different. wish to be one among the self centric guys in this planet Earth.
I wish to forget everyone and every thing. I want the childhood back…but not child hood I had/lived. I want a normal childhood as a normal children. I am confused. I am loosing my way to destiny.Time can heal anything. But cannot seal. The problems healed by time can be affected by other things easily. I wish to seal my problems and not to heal. I am getting punished for what I did. Will I be alive to live my life after the punishment got over ?
Still..I believe in doing wonders to this earth. I am not a normal person. I am unique. AS of now I wish to have a peacefull sleep and not to awake the next morning. Good night.